Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
