so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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