i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I should be sponsored by Trojan
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
