She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
