i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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