and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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