Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
