piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
