Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
