Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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