Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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