Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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