Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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