Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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