I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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