so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
