I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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