so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
