Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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