It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
