My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
