Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
