The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
