the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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