I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
