I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
