Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
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