She tied me up with her honor cords...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
