my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
