You smell like a Billy Joel song
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
