How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
