Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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