Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
