she was so not down for the gang bang
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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