Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
