these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
