she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I think my moral compass just broke
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
