she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
