mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
