I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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