Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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