i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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