Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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