So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
