My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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