I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
