Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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