If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
