I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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