Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
