My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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