Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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