Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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